My Parenting Approach to a Stubborn, Angry 3 Year Old

 I'm a mom of three boys.  The oldest is 5 and the youngest just turned 1.  The middle child is the one that has made me work harder than I ever thought I would as a parent.  No, I do not have a degree in child psychology nor any certifications giving me any qualifications...but I do have 3 birth certificates.  I have 5 years experience being a mother.  That should be enough to qualify me to share what I've learned and what helps.

To be honest, I have done research on this field to figure out a way to get through to my stubborn middle child.  He is all reaction and quick-to-anger before really thinking about what is going on.  It's as if the terrible twos have just continued on...and he will be 4 years old this year!  Please tell me this won't be my life forever!  The unfortunate thing about all kids being different is just that, all kids are different.  But the one thing that I appreciated in all my research was that the most reliable resources were from other parents.  They had lived it, tested, and found what worked.  Some of that I have applied and has helped.  I'll share it all with you.

I'll tell you what, though, I am so thankful for how easy it is with the oldest.  I can be stern with him and it works the first time!  It made me excited to be able to share moments with him like ice cream dates or hot cocoa at night because he deserved it.  The middle child...whole different story. 

I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but I know he was fairly young.  At about 3 months old, he developed eczema all over.  It wasn't something that was hereditary or an allergic reaction so it has been difficult to get rid of.  I say that in the present tense because he is still dealing with the itches.  The only good thing that has happened with the eczema is that we have been able to get rid of most of it and get his skin to heal.  Unfortunately he is not 100%.  He still struggles with the scratching and 24/7 discomfort.  Applying Vaseline to alleviate it only lasts so long and I know that the discomfort that he feels definitely feeds his little angry soul.  That's the first factor.

The second factor (and probably the rest) all stem from the eczema.  He has been a very attention-seeking child.  That ranges from wanting someone to play with him to literally kicking and screaming just to be noticed.  As a parent who has no choice but to work full-time and come home to do chores and feed kids, this part is the most exhausting.  If I only had more time and more energy...  The funny thing is that he has the ability to play on his own.  He does really well with puzzles even if it takes a lot of coaxing and confidence-building to get him to do it without help.  

The last and biggest factor (in my opinion) is joint parenting communication.  This is also the hardest because both my husband and I have to be on the same page.  This is going to continue to be a work-in-progress for a while until he can start working with the middle child in the same way I do.  I'm not saying that I know best but my techniques have been the most effective.  Until we are both doing the same thing and giving the same answers, the kid will still struggle to find control.  It doesn't help that my husband is also very stubborn, impatient and distracted.  I think this makes our middle child feel as if he needs to compete for attention.  Then he also has to compete for attention against his two brothers.  Almost 4 years of life later and he is not ready to be self-sufficient.  He is not able to self-control.  

Now let me give you an example of some of his behavior.  Every single day we have to fight with him to wear proper clothes.  I say fight in the sense that we have to out-stubborn him.  We have to put our foot down and say, "No, you cannot wear shorts when it is freezing outside," or "No, you cannot wear the same clothes you wore yesterday, they're dirty."  He will even through a tantrum if we try to put a sweater on him.  Or if he can't wear his pajamas to school.  You would think putting clothes on a child would be easy.  Not with this one.  Again, boy how easy the oldest child is!

On the other end of the spectrum, you have the out-of-control child.  The one who thinks it is funny to do something mean like kick his dad in the shin.  This out-of-control version is the hardest to work with, in my opinion, because it seems to take the longest to get his attention and listen.  I'll go over both examples and how I deal with them because, while similar tactics are used, one takes just a bit more than the other.

I know by now you're probably skimming through to the answers but I think it's necessary to share more details.  In my own research, it helped to identify with the parent and say, "yes, that is exactly how my kid is, too!"  While I hope you can identify with me, I also really hope you don't have similar or worse issues.  Boy is it a lot!  Either way, I hope what I have to share helps.

In order to get through to your child, you need patience.  That seems so easy but it is so not.  When my kid starts acting up, that is when I jump in to take control.  Let's use a tantrum example.  The kid is upset because he did not get what he wanted and is now screaming and hitting things.  I tell him to go to his room.  Not to put him in a timed "time-out" but instead to take a "time-out" to calm himself down.  It removes him from the situation.  If I am feeling calm, I will go with him to his room.  If I am not yet calm, I will wait until I am and then go to him.  It is very important to be calm.  You are the example.  So we are in his room and we are sitting down.  He usually sits on the floor in the doorway so I'll sit down right next to him.  Then I will be patient and tell him to calm down.  I say to take deep breaths.  I'll even do some with him.  Usually we do 5 big deep breaths.  It may take a while until they actually do it with you.  When I started doing deep breaths, he fought me for a while so I would speak to him in a calm, low voice.  I'd just ask him a simple question over and over until he calmed down.  "Can you hear me?"  By having a low voice, it caused him to have to quiet down to hear.  I only raise my voice if I can't seem to get through to him.  It's like he sees red sometimes and the only way is to snap his attention back to me with a firm "Hey!" followed by me saying in a low voice, "I need you to calm down so we can talk."  After he calms down is when I talk to him.  I ask him what's wrong.  I feel like this is important because while we may already know what's wrong, there could be something else that has caused the uproar.  Then I let him talk.  He's gotten better at answering the question now that he knows that I am listening.  In the beginning he would just be angry and say "Anything!" as his stubborn way of saying "I'm not going to tell you."  In those instances, I would calmly list examples.  "Are you hungry?  Are you tired?  Is your eczema bothering you?"  These questions prompt him to answer and begin communicating calmly.  Through all this, I have to maintain patience.

After patience is forgiveness.  In most instances, I can talk to him to find the root of his misbehavior and we can fix it to move forward.  I have to show forgiveness then.  At the end of our discussion, I will ask if he wants a hug and if he feels better.  Every time he will say yes.  After that point, we move on.  We don't linger on the bad behavior and continually bring it up.  Slate is wiped clean and we move forward.  This includes with other family members as well.  Once he leaves his room, we start over.  And sometimes he may not be ready to leave his room and that's okay.  What is important is that he knows that when it is time to calm down, his room is a safe place.  Eventually it is my hope that it will become automatic.  

Now, for the harder issue of when he is just out-of-control.  This is a lot more difficult because he usually is not as inclined to listen.  He's stuck in his own head and just letting his body be a limp noodle or trying to get away.  This is also dangerous because if I'm not strong enough against it or I loose my grip, he can fall and get hurt.  This is something I remind him when I'm not feeling confident that I have a good grip.  When he gets in these moods, my words cannot control him so I have to physically control him.  I take him to a quiet area and hold onto him until he can calm down.  I use the same techniques as I do for his tantrums but this takes a lot more physical strength depending on how much he fights back.  It's a battle of wills.  He will often complain that I'm hurting him and if I am it's only because I'm worried if I let go he will fall back and hit his head.  So that's what I tell him.  I say that I want to let him go but I don't want him to get hurt.  If he wants me to let go, he needs to stop fighting and either sit or stand still.  I want to clarify that I am not hurting him intentionally.  When a stubborn child is twisting and pulling and flailing around, it is very difficult to control them while also making sure they don't bust their head open on a doorway.  Just remain calm at all times and tell them exactly why you are holding onto them and why you can't let them go just yet.  Is there such thing as a mobile padded room?  Even though this stresses me out the most, I have to remain calm and very patient.  It will end eventually.  This part is hard!  No joke!  And when he does calm down enough to where I can talk to him, we have a more pointed conversation.  I'll tell him what he did wrong and why it was bad.  "You were kicking your daddy and that hurts him.  That is not okay."  Once I know that he has heard me and understands what I'm saying, then I'll ask him what he is going to do to fix the situation.  When he says he is going to apologize, I'll ask him what he is apologizing for to make sure he fully understood what was wrong.  This part also needs a lot of patience because I've dealt with the stubbornness in this moment where he says he doesn't know what he did wrong.  There's a lot of back-and-forth with me reminding him, asking him and then him still not knowing.  If needed, I'll have him sit in a time-out chair and remain there until he can tell me what he did wrong.  I do think that he knows what is wrong, he just wants to get away with not apologizing.  That's not okay with me so I have to be stern in making sure he eventually makes it to the end where he knows what he did wrong and he apologizes properly.  After he apologizes in an acceptable manner, I let him free to play.  It is also key that the person he apologizes to is ready to accept the apology.  My husband can't tell him "I don't want to talk to you right now."  He has to listen to the apology.  It is still okay to say "I appreciate your apology but I'm not ready to accept it right now."  

These tactics take time with a child who is very stubborn and very angry.  I wish there was a quick fix to snap him out of these behaviors but this is what I've found to be the most effective.  I remind him, too, that he can be a very sweet boy and that I miss him.  I tell him all the good things that he is capable of doing.  Sometimes reminding him of the times he was good helps to build his confidence just like when I know he can do something by himself (like a puzzle).  I am his cheerleader and sometimes I think he just needs to know that I see him.  It is going to be hard.  There are going to be some strenuous days or moments but the more you do it and give them your attention, the easier it will get.  Remember:  Calm, Patient, Forgiving.  Stay consistent with your tactics and always follow through.  Don't give up.  Show them through example.  You can do it!